anyone listening?

when i made this blog i did update more often and i actually had people who would read it and comment it. now i get the feeling that no one is reading it. i think the people who used to read it gave up on me ever updating it. or maybe they got tired of the kind of the posts i make... i dunno. i think it is the first one, i mean i hadn't posted anything since june.
though the more i think about it, i think it might be better that the people who i knew used to read this aren't reading it anymore. i feel they are the kind of people that might read a post and read too far into it. if i were to post anything that might be a little sad, they think i'm depressed and think they should be all worried. i mean if i really was really depressed and needed to talk or vent i'd call someone up or talk to a friend in person.

i feel i go thru phases of wanting to post on here. sometimes i just am not sure i have anything to say.
i might have a few ideas for posts and then run out and stop... we'll see

remember, remember...

... the 5th of November.




R.I.P Astro 11/5/08

life is crazy

life really is too crazy
i can't handle how crazy life is sometimes. i really want to hit the pause button and take time for myself.
i don't want to have to live up to someone else's expectations anymore. it is tiresome. it wears you out. makes you feel insignificant and unappreciated. i want to be me. i want to live the way i want to live. i want to get out. to no longer feel tired and unseen. no longer feel unappreciated and unrespected. i need to find that pause button and escape the petty problems of this life. i just want to find some inner peace again. i had it and i lost it. i let the world around me get to me. get inside and ruin the wonderful sense of myself i had worked so damn hard to gain.

love bites.
i fear that i will not ever find someone who will let me love them with all that i am. i fear i will not find someone who will love me for all that i am. accept all my faults accept all my flaws. and of course i have them. i have many. i am human. but who could love such a introverted person with a depressive personality? i want someone who when i'm with them they become my anti-depressant. that i wouldn't need to worry because if i were to stumble and feel depressed they would know how to support me. i don't want to only lean on them to save me from my depression... i fear that i don't know how to be in a relationship. that if i were to find someone i wanted to be with that i wouldn't know how to make things work. i fear i have been single too long.

wannabe model?? haha

here are some pics i took and attempted to edit in photoshop.
i mainly did it to entertain myself. i was pretty bored.

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more poetry

"Someday Soon"
5/24/08

someday soon i want to tell you

someday soon i want to include you

someday soon i want to open the doors

doors to my world

one day soon i'll want you to know

one day soon i'll want you to understand

one day soon maybe you'll love me

love me the way i love you

someday soon i will tell you

someday soon i will include you

someday soon i will open the doors

doors to my world

one day soon you'll know

one day soon you'll understand

one day soon you'll love me

love me the way i love you

someday soon i'll tell him

someday soon i'll include him

someday soon i'll open for him the doors

doors to my world

one day soon he'll be glad to know

one day soon he'll be glad to understand

one day soon he'll love me

love me the way i love him

someday soon he'll save me

someday soon he'll keep me close

someday soon he'll shield me

shield me from the world

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"Restless No More"
5/24/08

when you laugh my heart sings

sings of joy

sings of happiness

happiness you bring

happiness you bring to me

joy you radiate

joy you radiate around you

when you smile my heart shivers

shivers with comfort

shivers with comfort you bring me

when you speak my ears thirst

thirst to hear your voice

thirst for your voice

when you are near me my soul rejoices

my soul rejoices

rejoices for your presence

when i think of you i am still

finally still

when i think of you i am still

restless no more

Red

"Red"

Born of a woman's womb
Lungs opened brought first breath
Shed first tears
The blood is red in these veins

See with two oceans of blue
Growing and cutting brown hair
Hear, smell, feel similar to you
The blood spilt will be red

Love to love and be loved
Family of loving arms
Can one be any more loved?
The blood is red in these veins

Child of God
Blessed with what I got
Life won't end with the tomb
The blood spilt will be red

Born of a woman's womb
Hear, smell, feel similar to you
Can one be more loved?
His life didn't end in the tomb
He bled red blood
Just like me
For me

Swept Away

Swept Away"

i'm swept away by your beauty

swept away by your grace

swept away by your accepting love

by your friendliness

by your kindness

by your non-judgemental gaze

i'm swept away by you, like a fallen leaf by the autumn breeze

swept away by your ability to ease my pain

by your laugh

by your smile

i'm swept away by you, like a stone by the river's pace

swept away by your openness

by your patience

by your guidance

i'm swept away by you, like a beach ball at a windy beach

i'm swept away by you

i'm swept away just knowing you.

swept away knowing you love me

swept away knowing you accept me

swept away knowing you befriended me

swept away

CUTS CUTS CUTS

don't do this to me nina