Monday, September 07, 2009

the next chapter

the next chapter of my life was supposed to graduating from college. the next chapter was to be about post college life and how lost i'd feel trying to live in this new life. however that isn't how this chapter has gone at all. instead of graduating i had to withdraw. instead of coming feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride i felt a deep sense of shame and guilt. instead of having a degree i had nothing. i had not completed what i sought out to do. so i will be finishing school just not when i had hoped i would. withdrawing from school was both freeing and depressing. i felt a huge weight lifted from shoulders while at the same felt a slightly less heavy one replacing it. instead of the stress of school i had the stress and worries of what was to come. how do you overcome insomnia when sleeping medication does nothing? how do you overcome depression when you have to drop out of school and feel like a complete failure? i was able to feel somewhat better about myself when a friend reminded me that i hadn't completely dropped out because i had plans to return to school as soon as possible (meaning i hoped to return in time to graduate only a year after when i was supposed to). so for now i am a depressed community college student working to return to his college and finish his degree.
these past months since leaving my school have been challenging. many personal challenges came flying my way. and i will not go into get detail as this is a public blog and i don't know who might stumble upon it (tho i highly doubt anyone will read this). long story short i ended up not living at home but with a close friend from college who had also had to leave early and i am now living with her and her family. i cannot feel more appreciative of her parents for letting me stay with them for several months and not charging me rent. i am glad that they have consideration for my situation and understand that i am slowly working on straightening out my life and where i will end up next.
i have lived with them for the entire summer and now school has started up again. this summer was a roller coaster of good and bad times. constantly fighting away the demons that want me to believe that i am a failure and don't deserve to be loved or worthy of receiving any pity. it was a summer of failing to conquer insomnia and depression. a summer seeking love and companionship and not succeeding (not until the summer came to and end). i became so consumed by my desire for someone to date me to love me and hold me close that i didn't give enough effort to really fighting my insomnia and depression. and when i met someone and the first meeting or date did not go well i would get more depressed. i didn't understand why i couldn't be myself around any of the people i met. i felt i was putting on an act. pretending to be this person i wasn't or rather just showing one side of me. the really nice and sweet side that gets along with anyone but isn't really interesting or fun. it wasn't until i had finally given up and decided that i wasn't gonna find that person anytime soon that i finally met someone who i could have fun with and felt real with. and so now i am seeing this person and slowly seeing where this relationship goes.
so that was a glance at the last few chapters of my life. and as the next one begins i find myself in community college classes and still seeking work. hopefully things will get brighter as i am getting out of the house more and doing everyday things such as class. hopefully my new found relationship will continue to flourish and grow into something more. all i can do now is let things unfold.

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