Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

TYA/ Missing Westmont

Being in this Theatre for Young Audiences class/show at Citrus has been a fun experience but it has also made me realize how much i miss working with John/Mitchell at Westmont.

Getting used to a new director's style has been interesting, fun, and frustrating. While I totally understand her sense of humor and that makes working with her fun, she can have moments where i think i would handle the situation a totally different way. It makes me get into my (still young and budding) director's mind, and think of how i would do things differently. One change i would make is in regard to how we begin each class/rehearsal. We must do what she calls "dropping in" where we lay on the floor and engage in active breathing and it is supposed to get us to drop into our bodies and the correct way of breathing. Now i can see why this could be helpful but not for all actors. I know my body and i know that lying on the floor like this for too long does not help me at all. We have done this drop in for at least 30 min each time. i need to do some active breathing standing or while stretching. so it gets real annoying having to lie on the floor for soo long.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

theatre for young audiences - alice

I hate when technology fails me.
My alarms failed me this morning when several of them did not go off and I awoke at 7:37 when I needed to be out the door at 7am! I had the delight of rushing like maniac to get out the door as soon as possible and make an attempt not to be very late to class. Then of course right on schedule there was plenty of traffic on the freeway, making me very uncomfortable and nervous. I imagine I am like most people and don't do well in the car on the freeway running late and stuck in slow slow slow traffic. At the very least I had my music to keep me company and to help control my annoyance. All that was running through my mind was I was going to get there too late and not find any parking close to the theatre. I kept thinking I was going to have to park in the annex parking lots and would be even more late. Finally I crawl off the freeway at about 8:40am. My class starts in ten minutes!

By some miracle I am able to find a close parking spot and am only a few minutes late to my class! While only a few minutes late I still feel awkward walking and being the only one late and everyone is already warming up. It was very hard for me to relax into our regular warm up as i was still feeling very worked up and nervous about my rush to get to class. And it felt as though she left us to warm up and drop into our bodies for a really long time today. I was so relieved when she finally had us stop and begin to get really started with rehearsal.

First announcement, casting!
We pulled chairs into a circle on the stage and she began to go through the list of characters and who would be playing them. I was very surprised when she said I was to play Alice's best friend Robin. I was expecting her to give that role to one of the guys she had worked with before and know his work better. I am pleasantly surprised by my casting and am looking forward to the process of the show.

We then read through the play with everyone in their new roles. It was a good read through and fun. I am looking forward to seeing it flesh out and how people flesh out their characters more as we move from just reading it to actually blocking and moving.

Monday, September 07, 2009

the next chapter

the next chapter of my life was supposed to graduating from college. the next chapter was to be about post college life and how lost i'd feel trying to live in this new life. however that isn't how this chapter has gone at all. instead of graduating i had to withdraw. instead of coming feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride i felt a deep sense of shame and guilt. instead of having a degree i had nothing. i had not completed what i sought out to do. so i will be finishing school just not when i had hoped i would. withdrawing from school was both freeing and depressing. i felt a huge weight lifted from shoulders while at the same felt a slightly less heavy one replacing it. instead of the stress of school i had the stress and worries of what was to come. how do you overcome insomnia when sleeping medication does nothing? how do you overcome depression when you have to drop out of school and feel like a complete failure? i was able to feel somewhat better about myself when a friend reminded me that i hadn't completely dropped out because i had plans to return to school as soon as possible (meaning i hoped to return in time to graduate only a year after when i was supposed to). so for now i am a depressed community college student working to return to his college and finish his degree.
these past months since leaving my school have been challenging. many personal challenges came flying my way. and i will not go into get detail as this is a public blog and i don't know who might stumble upon it (tho i highly doubt anyone will read this). long story short i ended up not living at home but with a close friend from college who had also had to leave early and i am now living with her and her family. i cannot feel more appreciative of her parents for letting me stay with them for several months and not charging me rent. i am glad that they have consideration for my situation and understand that i am slowly working on straightening out my life and where i will end up next.
i have lived with them for the entire summer and now school has started up again. this summer was a roller coaster of good and bad times. constantly fighting away the demons that want me to believe that i am a failure and don't deserve to be loved or worthy of receiving any pity. it was a summer of failing to conquer insomnia and depression. a summer seeking love and companionship and not succeeding (not until the summer came to and end). i became so consumed by my desire for someone to date me to love me and hold me close that i didn't give enough effort to really fighting my insomnia and depression. and when i met someone and the first meeting or date did not go well i would get more depressed. i didn't understand why i couldn't be myself around any of the people i met. i felt i was putting on an act. pretending to be this person i wasn't or rather just showing one side of me. the really nice and sweet side that gets along with anyone but isn't really interesting or fun. it wasn't until i had finally given up and decided that i wasn't gonna find that person anytime soon that i finally met someone who i could have fun with and felt real with. and so now i am seeing this person and slowly seeing where this relationship goes.
so that was a glance at the last few chapters of my life. and as the next one begins i find myself in community college classes and still seeking work. hopefully things will get brighter as i am getting out of the house more and doing everyday things such as class. hopefully my new found relationship will continue to flourish and grow into something more. all i can do now is let things unfold.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

anyone listening?

when i made this blog i did update more often and i actually had people who would read it and comment it. now i get the feeling that no one is reading it. i think the people who used to read it gave up on me ever updating it. or maybe they got tired of the kind of the posts i make... i dunno. i think it is the first one, i mean i hadn't posted anything since june.
though the more i think about it, i think it might be better that the people who i knew used to read this aren't reading it anymore. i feel they are the kind of people that might read a post and read too far into it. if i were to post anything that might be a little sad, they think i'm depressed and think they should be all worried. i mean if i really was really depressed and needed to talk or vent i'd call someone up or talk to a friend in person.

i feel i go thru phases of wanting to post on here. sometimes i just am not sure i have anything to say.
i might have a few ideas for posts and then run out and stop... we'll see

remember, remember...

... the 5th of November.

R.I.P Astro 11/5/08

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

life is crazy

life really is too crazy
i can't handle how crazy life is sometimes. i really want to hit the pause button and take time for myself.
i don't want to have to live up to someone else's expectations anymore. it is tiresome. it wears you out. makes you feel insignificant and unappreciated. i want to be me. i want to live the way i want to live. i want to get out. to no longer feel tired and unseen. no longer feel unappreciated and unrespected. i need to find that pause button and escape the petty problems of this life. i just want to find some inner peace again. i had it and i lost it. i let the world around me get to me. get inside and ruin the wonderful sense of myself i had worked so damn hard to gain.

love bites.
i fear that i will not ever find someone who will let me love them with all that i am. i fear i will not find someone who will love me for all that i am. accept all my faults accept all my flaws. and of course i have them. i have many. i am human. but who could love such a introverted person with a depressive personality? i want someone who when i'm with them they become my anti-depressant. that i wouldn't need to worry because if i were to stumble and feel depressed they would know how to support me. i don't want to only lean on them to save me from my depression... i fear that i don't know how to be in a relationship. that if i were to find someone i wanted to be with that i wouldn't know how to make things work. i fear i have been single too long.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

wannabe model?? haha

here are some pics i took and attempted to edit in photoshop.
i mainly did it to entertain myself. i was pretty bored.